Captain Hamer and Private Smith2
by Book-Master
Summary: Second in the series of shorts. Captain Hamer and his assistant have been sent to a new patrol station. What awaits them? PLEASE RR!


Episode 2# of the ongoing short story trilogy, of Captain Hamer,  
and Private Smith.  
  
  
PLEASE R/R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
___________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
After our previous adventure, myself and the Private were reassigned to patrol  
(By ourselves) a remote outer part of a ranch.  
  
After doing a routine patrol, we settled down about fifty yards  
away from there supply truck.  
  
  
We collapsed down, and soon I drifted until I was...........I almost said  
sound asleep, but at that very moment. I heard a sound.  
  
  
*Rattling*  
  
Was that a clue? Think about it......sound, and sound asleep.....maybe not,  
but the point is. Just as I was standing on the diving board of life,  
preparing to go into the swimming pool of........something......sleep  
I suppose, just as I was so forting. I heard an odd sound.  
  
  
*Rattling*  
  
  
I lifted one side of my head, and listened. Then pulled up my E-Scope.  
Sure enough, there were more sounds.....scratching, rattling, and rustling sounds.  
  
  
  
Something was going on out there, and I decided we had to investigate.  
  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Private, I just picked up some strange signals on E-Scope,  
You better go check it out.  
  
  
I heard new odd sounds, these ones coming from Private Smith  
  
  
  
Private Smith: Nort, snort, bis bumble  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Private wake up, you've been chosen for an important mission.  
Congratulations, and wake up.  
  
  
Private Smith: *Snore*  
  
  
NO answer, just incoherent grunts, and wheezes.  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Private, I'll give you a count of three to wake up  
1........2.........Pork chop, sizzle bizzle, muzzle, buzz bum *Snore*  
  
  
Ok, maybe I dozed off in the middle of the. HEY, who wouldn't have dozed off!?  
I was wore out! Worn down to a nubbin, from all the cares and worries, of  
protecting the.......whatever it was that these ranchers kept.  
  
Rhydons, Karaku, Zerglings? Whatever........anyway, it was a short doze.  
  
I was torn from my warm vapors of sleep, by the sounds again.  
I looked at my E-Scope again, and got up.  
  
And then.........YYYYYYYYAWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNEDDDDD, that's what we do  
when were yanked from a peaceful sleep  
  
It's very healthy. It loosens up the jaw muscles, and the tongue muscles, and also  
rushes fresh air into the body.  
  
  
I yawned, and then beamed a hot glare at my assistant  
  
  
Captain Hamer: PRIVATE WAKE UP!  
  
  
Nothing but grunting and wheezing. I would have to go to sterner measures.  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Private...Lunch Time  
  
  
Now get this, the little dunce jumped up, and started staggering around in circles!  
  
  
Private Smith: LUNCH!!!!!! Oh, my gosh, It's dark, I'm blind, CAPTAIN HELP!  
I CAN"T SEE, AND SOMEONE STOLE ONE OF MY LEGS!  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Easy son, you're not blind  
  
  
Private Smith: THEN HOW COME I CAN"T SEE ANYTHING!?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: It's still dark, I haven't yelled up the sun yet  
  
  
Private Smith: OH MY GOSH! WHAT DAY IS IT? WHO"S ON FIRST?  
WHERE'S MY LEG!!!???  
  
  
Waking up Private Smith, was always an...interesting experience  
  
Captain: Your leg is just where you left it Private, and so is the day. Just RELAX!  
  
Private Smith: Oh, ok  
  
  
He collapsed, in a heap......I mean just went down like a rock  
  
  
Captain Hamer: HEY, get up you got work to do. GET OUT OF THAT BED BEFORE  
I HAVE TO SCREAM YOU OUT!!!!!  
  
  
  
He staggered to his feet again  
  
  
Private Smith: NO, don't do that, you know I can't stand criticism in the morning!  
  
  
He blinked his eyes, and looked around  
  
  
Private Smith: Gosh, it's dark. I thought you said it was Lunchtime......  
you lied!  
  
  
Captain Hamer: I did not lie Private, I told a small fib to wake you up.  
There's a huge difference between a fib, and a lie.  
  
  
Private Smith: Like what?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: A fib is a small lie, for your own good  
  
  
Private Smith: What's so good about it?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: You've been chosen, out of all the men in the camp,  
to lead an important mission. I didn't want you to miss out on this great  
opportunity. Congratulations  
  
  
Private Smith: Gosh, thanks. *YAWN*  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Don't yawn when I'm speaking to you, it's impolite and disrespectful.  
  
  
Private Smith: But I just woke up  
  
  
Captain Hamer: That's no excuse Private. There's a time to yawn and there's  
a time to unyawn  
  
  
Private Smith: I ate an onion once, made me sick as a dog.  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Well what did you expect? If you're a dog Private you can't  
very well be sick as a horse! Have you ever thought about that!?  
  
  
Private Smith: Not really  
  
  
Captain Hamer: So there you are, it all fits together!  
  
  
  
There was a moment of silence then I heard him yawn  
  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Did you just yawn?  
  
  
Private Smith: Nah that wasn't me  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Good......What were we discussing? I seem to have lost  
my.....train of thought  
  
  
  
Private Smith: Onions  
  
  
Captain Hamer: OH yes of course. Private, you should never eat an onion, it will  
make you sick as a horse. But that's not what we were discussing.  
  
  
Private Smith: We just decided to go back to bed  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Exactly, well goodnight Private, I hope you have a good...  
wait a minute, I just woke you up.  
  
  
Private Smith: I know, I fibbed. But it was for my own good. You said  
that was ok.  
  
  
I stuck my nose in his face, and growled  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Listen you tuna, I woke you up for a reason.  
I picked up signals on E-Scope and I want you to check it out.  
DO you have any problem with that?  
  
  
Private Smith: Yea, What's an E-Scope?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Enhanced ears Private. Earatory Scanners. Eeara-Scopes  
  
  
Private Smith: That's three names, I only have two ears  
  
  
Captain Hamer: If you keep blabbing Private, your lival to have only one ear!  
Now get out there and investigate!  
  
  
He walked around in circles  
  
  
  
Private Smith: Witch way? I don't know where to go, and this old leg...  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Over there Private, near the Supply truck  
I'll stay here and wait for you to find out, then I'll come  
  
  
Oh, and your code name for this mission is....flaming pretzel  
  
  
Private Smith: he he he he, that's funny..Flameing pretzel  
  
  
Captain Hamer: It's not funny at all Private. Do you realize  
were the only to marines in the world who know the true meaning of   
"Flaming Pretzel"?  
  
  
Private Smith: Yeah, and even I don't know  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Exactly, and neither do I. that gives you an idea  
of jus how Top Secret this mission is. Now get on with it  
  
  
  
With much whimpering and whining he went, and I *he he* grabbed some sleep  
A few minutes later, I was awoken by the radio crackling  
  
  
Private Smith: Captain this is........I forgot my name OVER  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Pork chops  
  
  
Private Smith: Ok, captain this is "Flaming Porck chop", OVER  
And I found something here, OVER and OVER  
You better come check it out, OVER and OVER and OVER  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Huh? Over and Over and Over?  
  
  
Oh yes, it was Private Smith, the dope. He always seems to show  
up when you least want him. And that's his real problem  
  
But enough.where was I......oh yes, listening to the Private  
  
  
  
Captain Hamer: This is Command Central to Fleglegged Pretzel,  
come back on that last repeat..report..REPEAT the Report  
  
  
Private Smith: I found something out here, and it looks pretty serious.  
You better come see. OVER and UNDER  
  
  
I sighed, and got up  
I yawned, we always yawn when we fist wake up, it lo... I already said that.  
  
I yawned, and stretched, and lumbered out, into the pre-dawn darkness,  
to find my nincompoop, assistant.  
  
Chances were he had found nothing at all, or maybe a stray cricket. or whatever.  
  
  
  
I found him is the point, hunched down about 20 yards from the   
supply truck with his rifle in hand.  
  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Ok, whats the problem  
  
  
  
Private Smith: Well, I saw three garbage barrels  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Yes those are our garbage barrels. We put garbage in them  
and burn it once a week. What's the point?  
  
  
  
Private Smith: Well, there's no garbage in them, and the supply truck is  
empty too.  
  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Hmmmmm that's odd. How do you explain that?  
  
  
Private Smith: Well, it's scattered all over the ground  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Hmmmmm, that's even odder. I've never heard of a cook  
who throws garbage all over the ground. I don't like this.  
  
Could it be that, he's undergone a complete change of personality?  
  
  
  
Private Smith: Yeah, except we don't have a cook. And it might have been  
them 5 Zerglings routing threw the garbage.  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Exactly, and since we don't have a cook......Huh?  
Five Zerglings?   
  
And so it was that the adventure began. A adventure that would get  
me into a fight with a clan of Zerg  
  
  
  
I looked into the darkness. Much to my surprise, Private Smith had not only  
giving me a fairly accurate description of the problem, but had  
also delivered the right number of Zerglings!  
  
  
Our cook, had spent allot of hours, and allot of days, making this camp  
look neat! Except we didn't have a cook, so there you are  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Well private, are you going to stand there and watch this  
outrage!?  
  
  
Private Smith: Oh probably just sit here. How about you?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Are you saying I might be afraid to go into combat against Five Zerglings!?  
  
  
Private Smith: Well, it makes sense to me  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Yes, it does doesn't it?  
  
  
Private Smith: Yeah and this old leg of mine. The pain got worse  
when I saw the Zerglings, I think I got an allergy to Zerglings.  
  
  
Captain Hamer: You've got an allergy to life Private, I think you're  
afraid of you're own shadow!  
  
  
Private Smith: How'd you know that?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Just a wild guess  
  
  
Private Smith: Yeah, I saw it last night. And it gave me a terrible scare.  
It was 10 feet long, and I thought it was a monster without a tail!  
  
  
  
Sometimes, Private Smith amazes me. With just how stupid he can act  
  
  
  
Private Smith: You won't tell will ya?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: No one would believe me Private. And you know what else I can't  
believe!?  
  
  
Private Smith: The Tooth Fairy?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: No  
  
  
Private Smith: The Easter Bunny?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: No  
  
  
Private Smith: Bone Monsters?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: If you'll shut up. I'll tell you  
  
  
Private Smith: Well you asked  
  
  
Captain Hamer: In sorry I asked, I can't believe we have such a chicken  
liver in the Army. IT"S DISGRACEFUL!  
  
  
Private Smith: Well, you said you were scared of Zerglings  
  
  
Captain Hamer: I did not. I said 5 Zerglings is allot of Zerglings  
  
  
Private Smith: Yeah but not as many as six  
  
  
Captain Hamer: What are you saying. That I'm just as much as a  
chicken heart as you!?  
  
  
Private Smith: Well, if you were, I'd fell better  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Well you know what Private. I'm not.  
IM going to go down there, and give them Zerglings the thrashing they so  
richly deserve  
  
  
Private Smith: OH how brave!  
  
  
Captain Hamer: And you know why? Because you've been an inspiration to me  
Private. You've shown me that your a little wienie, and talking with you  
is so boring. You've inspired me to do something crazy, just to get away  
form you!  
  
  
Private Smith: Gosh, thanks Captain  
  
  
Captain Hamer: And if you have any pride left in that pale carcass  
of yours, you'll follow me into battle!  
  
  
Private Smith: In a pig's eye  
  
  
Captain Hamer: WHAT!?  
  
  
Private Smith: I said, OH boy, oh goody  
  
  
Captain Hamer: We ready. I'll go in the first wave, and you come in the second.  
Oh, and don't forget to yell FREEZE TURKEY!, that's very important  
  
Private Smith: I thought they were Zerg  
  
  
I stared into the vacuum of his eyes for a moment  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Are you trying to be funny?  
  
  
Private Smith: NO but you said.........I thought.......*Sigh*  
Boy I sure get confused  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Just follow orders Private, and remember that this is  
for our honor  
  
  
Private Smith: Yeah, but if the Zerglings fight back I don't thi....  
  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Let's go. Break a leg  
  
  
Private Smith: I already got one bad leg  
  
  
  
We emerged from the brush. HAH, you should have seen the shock, when we  
charged forward firing our guns in the air, and yelling battle cries  
  
  
Captain Hamer: CHARGE BONZIE!!!!  
  
  
Private Smith brought up the second wave, and he was yelling  
  
  
  
Frozen Turkey, frozen turkey. I was tempted to top there and give him a lecture, but  
there wasn't time  
  
Any ways, I charged into the middle of them. And I got a look at their faces  
  
Those guys were......growling and uh....humping there backs.......and uh  
several of those guys were pretty big, allot bigger then they seemed from a distance  
  
and uhhhhhhhh.....Good grief, THEY WERE COMING RIGHT AFTER US!  
  
  
I went to full airbrakes, slid to a stop, and then making  
a quick about-face I reached for the after burners, slammed into Private Smith  
and kept going  
  
  
  
Captain Hamer: Private, were going to plan B!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Private Smith didn't know we had a plan B  
  
  
Captain Hamer: We do now, it's called total disarray, AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!  
  
  
Private Smith: OH MY LEG!!!!!!!!   
  
  
  
We both ran past the entire campground, and kept going well into the woods......and they..  
.........well I couldn't see because it was pretty dark.  
  
  
  
  
Captain Hamer: PRIVATE, IF WE EVER GET OUT OF THIS, IM GOING TO KILL YOU!  
  
  
Private Smith: CAPTAIN, I HAVE A QUESTION, What are we running from?  
  
  
Captain Hamer: HUH? Oh, there isn't anyone there.  
  
  
  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Well, done at last, that took forever. Probally the longest episoe  
I'll ever write  
  
  
R/R!!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
